Tired of fighting so damn hard to do the things that are so easy for everyone else.
I’m going through some of the darkest days I’ve ever experienced. And it’s wearing me down. I don’t know how much fight I have left in me.
I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. After I attempted suicide when I was 17, I always said I would never let myself get back to that point. But that’s the thing about depression: It doesn’t work that way.
I feel like I’m at the point in my battle where things could go either way. Depression could beat me. Or I could win. And if I’m being honest, these are the hardest days to deal with. They’re the ones every person with depression dreads because you never know what’s next – and that is absolutely terrifying.
Staying positive when you can’t see the light can feel impossible at times. Here’s what I tell myself on my darkest days with depression.
You’re Stronger Than You Think
From being bullied in high school and having my “best friends” spread rumors about me to cutting myself and struggling with suicidal thoughts – I’ve gone through some tough shit. But I’ve always found a way to get through it.
And that’s the thing: I’ve always gotten through it. I’ve fought like hell and battled through the toughest storms even when I didn’t think I could.
Because what fighters do. They push through the darkness even when they can’t see the light. They take the awful things that happen to them – the ones that could and should break them – and they turn it into something good.
Even though it’s not easy to do, I’m stronger because of it.
You’re Doing the Best You Can
“You got out of bed this morning. Brushed your teeth. Worked out. Took a shower. Showed up to work. Took your medication. You’re doing everything you’re supposed to do, and you’re doing the best you can.”
That’s what I tell myself on the days where my depression makes me feel like I’m not doing enough and the days when I feel like I’m struggling just to get by.
While it doesn’t seem like much, all these little things are huge accomplishments on my darkest days. And just doing one of them is something to be proud of.
This Is Only Temporary
On my darkest days, this is one of the hardest things to tell myself and believe. But I think it’s also one of the most important.
It’s easy to feel like I’m going to feel this way forever, but deep down, I know that it does – and will – get better. I know that what I’m going through now is only temporary and that my best days are still ahead.
You are Enough
When I wake up in the morning, I’m immediately flooded with a million thoughts. Can I get through the day? What if I can’t? What if I just go back to sleep and hide from the world?
I wake up every day with the constant reminder that I live with a mental illness. And it’s easy to be consumed with the idea that I’m nothing more than my mental illness or that I’m not worthy of love, help or recovery.
But when all hope feels lost, I remind myself that I am enough. Even when I’ve done nothing during the day except sit in bed and stare at the wall. Even when I cut again after 10 years clean. Even when I feel like giving up.
I am enough.